Don’t Be A Drowned Rat, When It’s Raining Cats And Dogs.

Last week I blogged about the Christmas Lights turn on as an event. I did give the impression I would be watching this event.

 Sadly, I have let down go outdoors followers by not going to watch the lights with half of the city, but instead opting to go to the cinema. This was on account of the rain, which whilst not as treacherous as the fall seen down south, was a bit rubbish. Sadly, my choice to go to the flicks meant that opposed to being stuck in the rain, I was instead stuck  in a sweaty auditorium with the other half of the city’s occupants who had the same idea as myself and the mister. (And who munch food. Very loudly. Ergh.)

It did give me a good idea for a relevant blog however, involving how to look good in the rain- If you absolutely have to head out, and don’t have a car, a friendly boy to take you to the cinema, or a bag full of excuses for not doing things…

Granted, if you live in Britain, you may well have spent your life adapting to a life of carrying around spare brushes and bobbles for hair freakouts courtesy of Mother Nature, but here are some ideas for looking good, without the look of a mountaineer, so whether it’s a cute winter walk, an autumnal date, or just Christmas drinks, be prepared.

(Don’t be the girl with her hair under the hand dryers in the ladies loo. Not cute.)

1.Already said it – carry a brush or a comb. Just for the ladies, this one, a man with a comb in his pocket strikes me as, politely, a fool. I’d rather see a syringe poking out of a pair of skinny jeans than a shiny silver comb I’m afraid.

 

2. Hair bands. Perfect for slicking back drowned rat hair, a hair band can keep the drips out of your eyes, hide the bulk of the dampness, and if you scrunch the main ‘body’ of hair at the back, you get a nice ‘I meant to look like this’ effect. We have just got in a huge batch of (cheap) and pretty awesome Buffs, which come in every style imaginable. (If you have a tasteful imagination mind- the range comprises heaps of colours and designs, skulls, roses, polka dots, flames, mountains… You name it.) These also dry off really quickly, so if you, like me, raced into the cinema with a drenched head, you can whip it off and it will be dry and snug by the time the end credits roll.

 

3.Gloves. Nothing is less attractive than bright red hands. It gives the look of lobster, and makes your manicure look, claw like. I should know- with a hefty dose of poor blood circulation from my gene pool, I need a glove to keep in some of my skin’s yellowness.

BUT you don’t want to offset your tulip skirt and cute military chic look with hoiking great padded gloves. Look at Thinsulate gloves, which shield you from the weather, without padding you out. Super soft and quick drying, these are perfect for inviting a spot of hand holding. PG fun all round.

4. A cute waterproof jacket is the perfect cover up. Team it with some jeans, go for classic cuts and tones and you have a winner that will last season after season. Sure, flouncy funnel necked styles made from 100% cotton may look cute on the hanger in the shop, but team the wrong coat with rain and you get the scent of wet dog, bobbling and a heaviness to rival Hulk Hogan.

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, The Marmot Furlong is uber cute, and it comes with fake fur detailing. It comes in a gilet too, if you plan on making snow angels. And who isn’t?! We also have some new Nike jackets in, which look quite nice and urban. (My body is the first picture in that link, in the little fuschia number. The buyers will see it again. Soon. Ish. )

To avoid chav connotations of the Nike brand, my advice is to wear it, because they look good, and fit the weather (win) but simply avoid styling it up with trainers and a baseball cap. Oh, and stay out of underpasses. And don’t kick pigeons. Or old people.

5. Which leads me on to – hats. If you aren’t a headband girl, go for a super cute beanie hat. Dare 2B have gorgeous named hats like the Liplock, which I would buy for the name alone. Tassles, toggles, pom poms and cute colours, perfect for a cute cover up that doesn’t take itself too seriously.

Wear with sleek jeans (That don’t reach the floor- no-one likes to see mud wedged into denim) your classic waterproof jacket, slim gloves and you have a gorgeous, cute, weatherproofed look. And if you refer back to number 1, when you whip off your headband or hat, you can whizz through your mane with a quick brush and you’re good to go.

 

A perfect, 5 step solution to keeping your cool in the rain. I love it when a plan comes together.

:]

 

Enjoy.

 

Elaine x

It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year. Probably.

 Here at GO Outdoors HQ, we work out of the Sheffield office. Having been around for a gazillion years, or since the 1970’s, much the same, it’s the hub of the business.

Sheffield this weekend is following London, who had their’s ages ago, by getting Celebrities To Turn On The Lights. Ooooooooooooh.

The Lights of the High Street will burn like a beacon of hope to anyone who is Not Yet Festive. Christmas lights are fantastic in my opinion.

A perfect visual aid for everyone to crack on with their shopping and get started with the overindulgence, or the diet, depending on your party schedule, also, a great excuse to do some of my favourite things- eat, meander, people watch, and look at celebrities. In that order.

Headed over to Sheffield town this weekend will be Beverley Knight and ‘Little Shoes’ as my friend’s mum calls her. (That’s Little Boots to the under 50.) I think they are sharing the light turn on, all hands on deck, as it were, and I’m hoping for a giant red button, akin to a Destroy The World button from a Bond film. (Encased in a small glass box that rises from a desk.)

This is probably not going to happen. What will be guaranteed with light switch ons, are a few certain things.

However much you eat before you leave, the array of foodstuffs and the jovial ‘it’s Christmas!’ hysteria will lure you in with sausages the size of a small rocket and pick and mix the size of rocks. It’s okay, you need the energy to get past the next hurdle- being:

The population of the city will take the opportunity to bring out the big guns, namely, double pushchairs. Single length streets + one way traffic + Pushchairs being stopped mid-walk so the mum can tend to  little Tabitha/Chloe/Damian’s Wotsit requesting needs = Carnage.

You may well decide that your mum/grandma/sister would love a carved wooden duck, something you would never consider in the cold light of day, and purchase said duck, only to realise that a)you’ve wasted £20 (sorry, carvers) and b) there is no appropriate way to wrap something in the shape of a duck.

You will lose the feelings in your fingers and toes as you wait for The Celebrity to make their way to the stage. Brrr. Why can’t they turn on the lights in July and be done with it?

We can’t do much about you purchasing wooden ducks or guzzling your body weight in pick and mix, apart from offering you a Rennie and suggesting you leave your cash at home.

What we can help is with keeping you warm.

As a quick heads up, we have been selling insulated jackets like hot cakes this season, with temperatures plummeting, and the fact that most insulated jackets also repel water and come with actual styling and fitted looks that mean you can wear them off the hills.  From men’s jackets to women’s jackets, to something for the kids as well, from RG1 jackets to the sexily named Latok Alpine jacket, we are having a Price Crash. Sounds a bit violent, I admit, but it does mean you get about £30 or so off our insulated jackets, which can’t be a bad thing. Have a clicky here:

http://www.gooutdoors.co.uk/product-list&SpecialOffer2=1&ResultsPerPage=48

Which will take you through to our cheapest products with the most money off at the moment. (Don’t tell everyone, or the double pram owners will be out for longer, with no chills to drive them home. )

And if you must spend your savings on carved wooden ducks and liquorice wheels the size of a small child’s head, well then we can’t stop you.

Happy Illuminations.

Elaine –x-

Why Does It Always Rain On Me…

Excuse the emo title.

The back end of last week saw us being warned of big things. ‘A storm’s a brewing’, as they say. With the national newspapers treating 7 inches of forecast rain with the same seriousness and dread as Immigration, Global Warming and Jedward, we were all hopeful that the heavens would stay shut.

Friday, predictably, saw the weather from 9-5pm being reasonable. Smack on 5pm, as the GO Outdoors staff went outdoors  for some team bonding and beverage drinking, the clouds turned sour and the heavens poured down on us. Hello, weekend.

There’s something very comforting about a dousing of rain. It’s quite reassuring, in a way that a sunny November always tends to unnerve me isn’t. It also brings back memories. Remember those endless summers that always seemed to happen around 6^th form college and the back end of your GCSE’s? Well, Christmas, and the build up to it can be defined by drizzles. Wintery walks, sprints to get into the car without causing an umbrella to the face incident, days out turning into trudges out… Soft rain, hard rain, so wet it no longer matters rain… There’s something for everyone.

And variety too. Hailstones? Thunder and lightning? Snow??? (Albeit, slushy, brown snow that settles only after 6 consecutive days..) Enough to warrant enough facebook status updates to crash the internet. Probably.

Obviously, the British love to talk about weather. In a book Watching The English this is analysed as not literally talking about the weather, but as a greeting of sorts. ‘Raining cats and dogs’ is not a comment on it booting it down onto you, your new shoes and bag, but a sort of ‘hello’ conversation starter.

But as much as I believe that theory, my chat with my closest friends also involves weather. Which makes me think that we are not talking to assert our social status, or to get talking to someone, or to encapsulate a feeling or Britishness, we are simply, talking about the weather.

Perhaps in LA they talk about sunscreen. Or shades. Here, we have Staying Dry.

Shop doorways, bus shelters, small shop covers, this is where we gather, pull funny faces at the grimness of it all, try shake off some of the excess damp, and greet each other. No wonder other countries think we’re quaint. I’m born and bred, and I think we’re quaint.

So, as the rain follows through and today is equally blessed with the wet stuff, I shall point you in the direction of our new shiny (not literally, some are matte) rain jackets, rain coats and general chucking it down cover ups fromwaterproof shoes and trousers to just, warm things, for you to take advantage of.

http://www.gooutdoors.co.uk/product-list&Text=waterproof

GO Outdoors also beat any price you can find anywhere – literally anywhere- (on the same product,mind, we can’t give away Faberge eggs for £9.99. Or LV handbags. Y’know.) So have a looksie, and save the weird ‘Blimey it’s wet’ conversations to other people!

The Run Up To Christmas – Panic Stations..

Holy mackerel, it’s been a while since I’ve blogged.

You must excuse my slackness, and that is not to say that I haven’t been Outdoor chic-ing it up with blustery walks, 8k runs and some run ins with the Fishing Team as I decipher my way through bait related content for our shiny new look of a website, I just haven’t had time to lay manicure to Mac and write about everything.

Eeps.

So, with the first Xmas song being played on Radio One, (to a barrage of horror filled status updates on Facebook), I should write about -

The Build Up To Christmas.

Fully deserving of capitals, this is a period usually kicking in November when Perez Hilton’s blog takes a backseat and you start wondering what in baby Jesus’ good name you’re going to get Dad and Mad Aunt Sally. (Again, warranting capitals.)

Here at GO Outdoors, we start pondering gifts. Not in a hurried way, I may add. With a company made up of quite a few men, many of them see Christmas as something like marriage, or getting old, or balding- something that will happen, but that doesn’t need thinking about. At least for now.

I wrote up my own list and the budget was quickly smashed. I decided to put my brains to it and see if I could get some gifts sorted that didn’t leave me in a  social life-less January, shovelling in beans and dry toast with unopened body butters around me from well wishing relatives whilst they enjoyed my careful gifts with abandon.

Most people have a hobby. Whether a gym bunny or a road runner, your Granddad who prefers fishing to spending time with Grandma, or your Dad who likes, well, anything that aren’t Simpson’s socks for the 3rd year running, here’s a quick rundown of the who what and how, all from GO Outdoors, so you’ll still have change left for a New Years Eve you don’t remember. Enjoy.

WHAT TO BUY A FISHER

UNDER £10

A variety basket made up of all kinds of baits- you could help them lure in that big catch!

A big hat to keep the sun away.

A DVD on fishing – perhaps carp or commercial fishing guides would be handy?

UNDER £20

A comfy chair for lounging out on

A bait box with plenty of compartments

UNDER £30

 A solid wood style of box to store in tools and equipment

A traditional style of rain mac with plenty of pockets

UNDER £60

A bag to store in luggage for a day of fishing

WHAT TO BUY A CYCLIST

UNDER £10 –

Some high quality fingerless gloves

For a BMX rider how about some sleek and stylish valve caps or bright handle bar covers?

A Quickilver belt has street style, without the bank breaking cost of other designer.

UNDER £20

A pannier to store all their kit on a commute

A lightweight packable jacket that lasts all season and can be packed away

UNDER £30

A heart rate monitor is a great gift

WHAT TO BUY A RUNNER

UNDER £10

A high quality non spill water bottle

Ear muffs for those winter mornings!

A strap or arm band for their MP3 Player. 

 Some technical socks or a technical t-shirt. (Go for a size larger than you think they are as these come up tight!)

 UNDER £20

A pedometer to keep them pounding away – or a heart rate monitor.

UNDER £100

A big one, but a good one, a GPS system can  help switch up the route

WHAT TO BUY A CLIMBER

UNDER £10 –

How about some books on great climbing routes. From the peaks to Ben Nevis- how far will they go?

A funky beanie hat- warm and cool, oh the irony!

UNDER £20

A set of DVD’s on expert climber’s stories and more

UNDER £30

Buy a great pair of flexible trousers or a lightweight jacket

A headlight for early morning climbs that can be strapped to a helmet will keep them safe

WHAT TO BUY A CARAVANNER

UNDER £10

If you know them well enough, look at small applicances- kettles and microwaves which can be a welcome addition to any caravan

UNDER £20

Why not get a funky style portable chair that can be folded up – perfect for trips away

UNDER £60

A sat nav system to avoid any arguments on the way!

WHAT TO BUY A WALKER

UNDER £10

A pair of comfy insoles and socks

A pair of thick yet breathable gloves for the winter and the summer

UNDER £20

Zip off trousers- turn trousers into shorts- 2 gifts for one price- perfect!

A fleece is never out of fashion for a walker and can tide them through season change to season change

UNDER £60

A pedometer to make the steps drift away

A handy sat nav system that can be used on foot

WHAT TO BUY A HORSERIDER

UNDER £10

Look at grooming kits – brushes and more to help keep their horse’s hair shiny

A shoe shining kit is always needed for show season and can be wrapped nicely to look impressive

UNDER £20

A classic pair of leather gloves- great for shows- look for a long length style for a very smart look

An attractive boot wiper for the house is a great homely addition

WHAT TO BUY A SKIIER

UNDER £10

Hand warmers

A set of sunblock for face, body and lips

UNDER £20

A beanie hat

A goggle/glasses case

UNDER £60

Some hi tech goggles from brand like Oakley - Roxy/Quicksilver jacket

WHAT TO BUY A GAP YEAR TRAVELLER

UNDER £10

Socks! A must for everyone

 Buy a first aid kit and stash in sunscreen as well as plasters and other bits and pieces they might need- blister pads are a handy example.

Guide books- search our site for the destination of choice, or find a generalist travel book for tips on how to survive without home comforts.

UNDER £20 

 Why not make a DIY basket of goodies for surviving away from home? Make a hamper of goodies depending on your budget- such as insect repellent, a soft face towel, detergent for washing on the go, hand sanitiser, their favourite chocolate, a magazine, books on their destination, nutrition snacks for travelling- as well as a meal or two- a small pillow or cushion.

Pack it all up inside a map or guide book of the area and add a bow- or roll it all up with a ribbon inside some cheap yet vivid t-shirts- great for covering up on the go- and never overlooked as a wardrobe staple.

UNDER £100 

 Splash out on a thick, quilted Roxy/Quicksilver jacket for either men or women. With lots of down padding and modern looks and styles, these are great for on the go activity and impromptu skiing trips as well as central heating-less weather conditions!

 Look for a big holdall or rucksack for stashing in essentials

AND FINALLY- WHAT TO GET DAD

UNDER £10

 A flask – great for morning journeys to work or late night trips as past of ‘dad’s taxi service’!

Socks- try thick hiking socks for the ultimate in comfort

Guides on a great walking place- or a guide of UK hotspots for holidays and trips

UNDER £30

A pen knife- trusty, lasts a lifetime and looks great. 

 UNDER £60

A sat nav system- get a large screen for use in the car, or a smaller one for running or walking – An American style round barbecue with a lid

Hopefully one of the above will set your brainbox moving towards the big day…And if all esle fails- Gift vouchers, or cash.

That’s the spirit…

Boggled by goggles?

My apologies in the delay in getting back to you.

My apologies…

….My apologies.

 A brief view of my email sentbox for today, following a week off in bed. Luxury eh?

Well, would be if I had a) company b) a clear head and c) an appetite for snacks that weren’t hot drinks or, weirdly, broths. But in this modern world, what is autumn without a suspected case of piggy flu? Oh yeah, thanks for the chocolates and cards. Really nice touch, that.

Hmm.

After 5 days of hallucinating I have come back to exciting news indeed! Ski is ON. Or back in.

Following a trip to the slopes, we have noticed ski sales skyrocketing faster than Usain Bolt after a red bull Lucozade combo shandy. Skiing clothing and skiing poles, skiing goggles and general ski stuff litters the GO Outdoors offices, and frankly, we’ve been having fun trying it all on, and getting all technical.

Exciting news was the new Oakley range of goggles which have come by the box load.

If you say to me ‘goggle’ i picture green things designed for swimming, luckily, things have advanced since then. Oakley ski goggles are like the elite of goggles frankly. If you’re off skiing, I strongly recommend you get a pair. My reasons for recommending the goggles come strongly after watching Whitney Houston on the X-factor.

Whilst not prune like, she seemed older….time has elapsed, and i’m not getting any younger. Sounding more and more like one of her songs with each second, I cursed myself for not dipping deeper into my pockets for Oakleys and protecting my eyes and ‘eye area’ for the future. Oakleys offer 100% UV protection which is essential if you’re in the sun all day, and we all know a sorry soul who went on the slopes, bright eyed, and came back half blind, sunburnt and unhappy. There seems to have been a bit of confusion for the non technical in the office about what lenses do what- is it true that orange makes you a ‘poser’ and that pink is for girls?

Well, lenses are a little more complex than that, and its all about the polarisation of the sun, how the lights going to fall on the snow, and what you need them for – eg a slalom race with huskies and obstacles made from burning, spiked planks will require you to have goggles with supremely sharp vision with distance, and objects up-close and personal.

Or to wear armour.

The differing colours have different qualities, much like a magical gemstone. Or a nail varnish.  So what to look for in a pair of goggles?

Well if Whitney’s an example for us- not suggesting she is an avid skiier- you should think of ski goggles as an investment purchase. And just as you wouldn’t get a dose of Botox from someone without the correct qualifications, don’t look at anything that doesn’t keep out UV rays- these are the nasty bits that take all the fun out of sunbathing and give us cancer, boo, indeed, so make sure your goggles offer the right level of protection, and if your lucky, you can almost guarantee a lifetime of skiing, less wrinkles, and general goodness, just from paying that extra £20.

Take it out of your botox fund….

If you’re finding it a real pain to decide on a lens, since words like polarised, Iridium, unobtantinum, optic lens hop out and boggle your mind, bear in mind that most goggles (including my scrummy new Oakleys) come with adaptable lenses, so you can change to fit each condition- and it is usually worth purchasing a pair with untinted lenses, or a separate clear pair- if you fancy seeing where you’re skiing in the evening. (Unless that is, you’ve already got your beer goggles on. Ho ho.)

Lenses can go in gradients- from dark at the top to lighter at the bottom. These are perfect for keeping your vision clear and untainted by the sun’s rays, and they look pretty swish too.

After the UV dillema, then look for chemically treated lenses for your ski goggles- Oakley call it Hydrophobic, which conjours up images of a man creeping terrified around a pond- as these are a great way of keeping your lenses free from fog, mist and oils that can build up. Goggles with inbuilt cleaners give a clear sharp view- perfect when you need to judge distance and space accurately.

Now, Polarized lenses- What the monkeys are they? Well, in short they give a clear sharp view- these are great when you don’t want to have to change lens tints and are a good all round buy, perfect for a beginner or a cheapskate. Only joking. These are sometimes more expensive, but saves you on hassle and purchasing multiple lenses so it all evens out.

Blue ski goggles and Mirror style ski goggles are, unsuprisingly reflectively styled, and help prevent light bounce back off the snow, so you get a great level distance perception.

Clear ski goggles tend to look shockinga fter your rainbow stop tour of oranges, reds and blues, but these are good for use when skiing at night when there is minimal glare- and are good at  offering you protection from debris as well as a more subtle look, if you’re the shy type.

 Yellow lenses are good in ‘normal’ weather conditions and are a good all round purchase for beginners.

Orange lenses offer a good level of protection and high vision enhancing capabilities in bright and sunny weather conditions.

Pink ski goggles- my favourites! These pretties offer a high level of vision- similar to orange and great in extreme sunny weather conditions.

So, in conclusion-  pink will make the boys wink, and yellow will make the weather, um, mellow, and blue will make the goggles..mirror like. I have yet to make a rhyme, so just print off my knowledge, or better still have a look at them HERE or HERE.

When Cows Attack.

I’m tasked with writing about the great outdoors, and sometimes, what puts people off the great outdoors are the animals.

Life is not all industrious beavers and bushy tailed squirrels, sadly, as this piece from The Times online tells us.

A cat called Wilbur has discovered that it really is a jungle out there, even in the suburbs. Wilbur, a four-year-old tabby, strayed into the next garden on the outskirts of Bristol, only to encounter a 13ft Burmese python with a hungry glint in its eye.

Yesterday Wilbur’s owners, Martin and Helen Wadey, described what happened next. “We heard the python’s strike from the terrified scream that came from Wilbur, and the blood-chilling cries as he fought for his life,” said Martin Wadey. “Then in less than a minute, all was silent.”

The Wadeys rushed next door but their neighbour was out. It was days later, when the python was scanned by the RSPCA, that Wilbur’s remains were identified by his micro-chip inside the snake’s body.”

 

Now this is unusual at best. Strange at worst, but the key part of the tale is what’s to come…

The Wadeys are now launching a “Justice for Wilbur” campaign. They say the unusual manner of his death highlights an anomaly in British law: pythons are not covered by the Dangerous Wild Animals Act.

The Wadeys believe such snakes should be licensed and owners prosecuted if they leave them to roam. Martin Wadey said: “Wilbur’s little life was brutally snuffed out. We don’t want it to have been in vain.”

Brutally snuffed out? I say, law of the jungle. Or Bristol suburbs. A life in vain? How many cats have a life that’s not in vain? They sleep. And eat. And go to the loo in your neighbors garden. Hardly any Luther Kings out there.

It got me questioning just exactly how many people have left their pythons to roam free that it would be appropriate to name an act against it.

Especially an act for something called ‘Wilbur’. If I was a snake, I’d sense that Wilbur was as soft as a freshly made marshmallow flump and launch an attack before it looked up at me with its sappy doe eyes like Puss in Boots from Shrek 2.

If it had lived, no doubt counseling would have been campaigned for. You know what to do Wadey family? Buy an even bigger snake. And a studded collar for it.

So lest we forget the Great Outdoors, and our company hits the fan as you all stop buying tents and sleeping bags for fear of bears and other dangers eating your innards as you slumber- here’s the down low on what’s really out there…

 

1.Adders. Gross. Last spotted chowing down on an Outdoorsy type in Swansea, they like Wales, thanks to the weather and Sea (potentially also, the views) and are Britain’s only venomous snake. Pretty harmless, a speak when spoken to type. You might want to stash up on, dependent on your personailty, some catapults, a magnifying glass, a big net, or a hideaway. Or -a really fast bike.

2. Swans- Sometimes can attack- they have huuuuge wings. Sounds like a film name to me. Not sure if any actual deaths have occurred from swans,  but they have a nasty peck. Don’t taunt them with bread that you intend to eat all by yourself without sharing. Like expecting an only child to share,  it never ends well.

3 Wasps. Natures bully boy, wasps like to sting you and carry on, as opposed to the humble bumble, which will sting you, only if you’re worth actually dying for. What a romantic gesture. Futile, yet sweet.

Wasps cause allergic reactions in a handful of people, thanks to their stocks of poison, which can cause anaphylactic shocks and cause death in some people. To everyone else, they just cause a painful shock and ruin picnics.

4 Cows. Now, this sounds crazy, but who am I to doubt my lengthy research. – Google.

In April 2004, a 74-year-old man was struck and killed by a cow in St Albans. He allegedly got too close to the cow and her calf and the cow attacked.

Blimey. Not sure what it attacked with, the idea of a lick from a cow make my stomach churn enough to contemplate suicide nonetheless.

Anyway. To prevent a humourous but pointless death by cow, (Not via burger ) the solution is only to get too close to the cows who don’t have calves, or just stay away from them unless you know what you’re doing. (Life is not like a Crunchy Nut advert, they do not appreciate off the cuff milking. )

5 Rottweilers – On the danger scale, i’d rather wear a hat laced with sugar, stale bread and honey whilst blowing a whistle that attracts adders, near Swan Lake, before volunteering to milk heavily preggers cows than sit near a rotteweiler. Especially with a child in tow.

 So as you can see, we have none of the proper dangers to put you off strapping on some hi gear boots and getting out there. Sharks, Octopus, Elephants, deadly spiders and deadly snakes evade us.

The most we have to worry about is untrained dogs and narky birds to go with our drizzly weather.

We aren’t the most exciting country. Full of culture, history and safety however, which, for the merits of getting to sleep at night is looking very appealing.

Walking In An Autumn Wonderland.

It was one of those blustery weekends where the wind dashed up to great your retinas, squirrels attacked you for your ‘Sunday Big Shop’  on a walk home, and leaves scrunched underfoot.

Mmm, it’s enough to make me wrench out last seasons gloves and scarves just thinking about it.

 So Autumn is here, and I would like to say I jumped out of bed to go for a walk purely on the basis of it being a lovely Sunday.

 

In actual fact, my flatmate had blocked my Mini of loveliness in with her big old Yaris, so to get around, without waiting for my prince (boyfriend) to rescue me- (No chance, he had escaped for the weekend until 9pm) it was legs or nowt.  Good to have legs, I reminded myself, and decided to explore the natural surroundings. I had a great time.

It was cold enough to still warrant attractive jackets and snugly chunky knits, but not yet deserving weather-wise, of a hat (which make me look like I have something to hide, generally. )

Conkers were out, and the ice cream van was soldiering on. It was busy, but with older more peaceful persons, not the drunken wasplike students supping cider and lobbing Frisbees that July brought us.

Perfection.

This blog isn’t based on testing anything, I could tell you that to keep warm you need a base layer next to your skin, a mid layer – I like a fleece, what kind of sadist would deny the comfort of a fleece? – And a jacket.

I fell heavily in love earlier in the month with a Marmot Furlong, which despite sounding like a small critter with big teeth or a Russian exchange student, is actually a trim looking athletic fit jacket with false fur on the hood.

I’d rather go naked than wear real fur. I’d also rather skip the dullzords debate on fake or real and just wear clothes that don’t have either generally. Either way, the Furlong has fake, or faux, if your mock posh, fur, so animal lovers can bring it safely into their homes without the fear of an existing housepet ‘marking’ it.

 

So that was me set.

Other key items for a trip into nature:

1) Food for rodents. They don’t like wine gums. Although they will try them, which I admire, and puts them ahead of a fussy 4 year old any day in terms of welcome-ness into my house.

2) Socks that match. As I sat in my skirt and knee high boots, nothing ruins the look more, than one knee high black sock with a cute bow details, and a sad and saggy looking yellow and pink offering on the other foot. Not nice.

3) Camera. Or something with video capturing capabilities.

 I now have a fantastic sound clip of a squirrel making a very strange honking noise when it spied a cat. A cat or, me, pointing my camera at it and zooming. Either way, it was pretty scared. An excellent sound bite.

4) Binoculars. I didn’t take them , for fear of a lawsuit thanks to walking in a pretty much residential area, but I imagine if you want to look at an exotic type of bird in close detail, binocs would be handier than straining and staggering forward as quietly as possible like a drunk John Wayne with a squint. You may embarrass the bird, and he will probably fly off. And who’d blame him?

5) Sunglasses. Required? Umm not really. Good at squeezing out our last ideas of sunshine? Oh yes.

So, if you can’t get out this week, try next weekend. Get some essentials, wrap up warm, take a loved one, see the sights, get all kid like again and enjoy your surroundings.

Live in a big block of flats with nice interiors, but haven’t seen greenery since you last bought Oregano from Waitrose?  May I suggest an allotment, a cycle ride or at least do that thing where you crayon over loose leaves.

Let’s drain the fresh Autumn air for all it’s worth, because stuffing Quality Street and watching the Queen try remember where she is and why she’s talking to us at 3pm is nearing closer by the day.

Joyful.

Happy naturing.

Elaine x

Fish and Chics.

It can be a hard task to relate fishing to women.

I don’t mean that in a sexist and mean way, purely that fishing banks, riversides and fishing equipment are all, as far as I can see-  aimed at men.

Where are the comfy seats, the pastel array of rods and reels, the selection of Ben and Jerry flavoured baits?

Fishing isn’t something i’ve been let loose on, and the closest I get to fishy interaction is wrestling with a dead salmon in a packet from tesco and making it into an appropriate and edible meal.

When analysing web traffic, it would be worthwhile noting the lack of females to the site. Most are buying gifts for husbands, dad’s and grandparents.

So…good points to fishing, for women.

1. It’s the perfect ‘me’ time. Find some bait that isn’t alive or pungent, attach it on, chuck it in, and… That’s it. No cleaning (sorry for the cliché, but to be fair, I am a hobby cleaner, or sometimes ‘potterer’) No worrying, just relaxing. If you like to live wild, and really, who doesn’t, try a French manicure with your pole in a holder , and just hope that it doesn’t get a catch that you then need to leap up and grab at your equipment. (In the same way a watched phone never rings, and the only way to get a date is to already have a date- this is the perfect way to secure a huge fish.)

 

2. Unexpected time to socialise. Hen parties involving Bacardi Breezers and greasy male strippers. Yawn.

Days out catching up with your girlfriends in places where the only thing more irritating than paying £4.99 for a lukewarm latte is being crammed next to every other cafe goer in a too small seat in a ‘Italian Style’ cafe where kids named Ja’aime and Tiammi smash into your kneecaps as they dive bomb around unsupervised by the Range Rover mums in velour.

Grab your friends, a sea boat and a worthy skipper and get fishing. You might catch something you don’t regret, get to shout appropriate comments like ‘your plaice or mine’ at raggedy old sea men, get sea sick, and come home in one piece. With a few plaice. Ohhhh -it writes itself.

 

 3. A chance to catch up with Dad, or Granddad. Only see the parental when you think they might be losing their marbles and considering a change of inheritance generosity? That’s not good karma.

Head down to the bank (the grassy kind, you heathen) with them instead and get some bonding time. Like father like son is nonsense when you have the innate skill of doing 5 things at once and getting them to chatter freely. Take some tea and cake, and you’re right on track for a new TV at Christmas.  And good feelings, yadda yadda.

4.You can catch your food. Even for one night only, and even if you leave the guts and gore of deboning to a pro, you could have caught your meal. Like Lara Croft with an appetite, Like Ray Mears with better hair, rejoice in the wonder of a fresh bass, cuddly carp or tasty… tiddler.

Free from pesticides, caught without cruelty, and sourced locally, the perfect accompaniment to other British delicacies such as Chips, chips and err- more chips.

 5. This picture.

 I like to pretend that this wasn’t taken for a film and is in fact standard in the Pitt-Jolie household, plenty of meandering in the river bank and vest wearing wonderfulness. Who one earth else in the world could make waders sexy?

 If you burst my bubble, I will have to come and snap your rod. As soon as i’ve decided what Carp prefer, tutti frutti baits, or strawberries and cream. And if I could pass as a 5″7 fish and try them myself…

Untill then….

Are You An Adult? – Test Included

My mum and me are a bit like peas in a pod. One, marginally older, slightly confident-er and infinitely richer pod on her side,  mind. I’m like a petit pois.

How to sum up my mum. Hmmm.

Picnic baskets.

Cath Kitson florals.

Clarins.

Less JuicyCouture, more John Lewis.

 Less ready meal, more slow cooker.

 Less sushi and tapas, more hearty homecooking.

Good visual? Good, because I’m not putting a picture up.

As for the outdoors? Well, like mother like daughter I guess. She just headed off to the lower regions of the country (I shall not say bowels. Nope.) for a camping trip. Woah.

 

I like to give her a wide berth in terms of calling, due to the fact she has care of my half brother and sister and takes them on holiday, which results in my calls taking around an hour, being passed about, until the phone sits, forgotten, with me gabbling into it ‘Hellllo??????’ whilst they go make dinner.

So I email.

Now the idea of even me and the boy going camping fills me with a level of fear usually reserved for arachnids and things that contain more than 4 grammes of fat.

But my mum not only plans but looks forward to these trips to the backcountry with children.

So what do you do, when camping after the first flush of festival youth? And what do you need to know.

TEST- ARE YOU AN ADULT?

1)      Are you planning on washing whilst camping

2)     Do you intend to AVOID  playing  ‘what-meat-is-that’ with your burgers?

3)     Will you be putting the correct amount of people into your tent?

4)     Will you set an alarm clock at any point?

5)     Did you ‘nearly forget’ about alcoholic beverages to be packed?

6)     Are you taking an appropriate amount of clothes and warm layers?

 

If you answered yes to any of the above, congratulations, you’re an adult! And indeed, may I welcome you to camping, adult style.  

 

The following are extracts from an email asking how the camping went and may help you out.

Or may just make you concerned.

No adults, children, tents or relationships were harmed in the undertaking of this holiday.  

 

1.     If in culinary doubt, stick to beans.

I did nearly set fire to the kitchen awning…  flambe – ing bananas with Bacardi -  seemed a good idea at the time…

First up – we sell stoves. We do not sell stoves for the purpose of cooking anything with acohol. Now don’t call childline, but mum has informed me that the above tale involving bacardi, bananas, and a naked flame was an event designed for food, and not entertainment, a twisted party trick.

And a tent.

Get the tent and the stove away from each other. Or my mum away from the booze.

We sell some just add water meals here, which although 365 days a year wouldn’t be conducive to a balanced diet, on a camping trip where the above stands as some kind of cuisine, may well stave off the onset of scurvy.

We can hope.

 

2. Bring Duct Tape

Learnt how to toast marshmallows (trick is to use duct tape (you just know who thought of that one don’t you) -made lots of cindered offerings.. quite scary letting them do it really, but I did anyway.

The ‘them’ is probably my brother and sister, flesh and blood, next of kins, running amok in the countryside with hot scewers, brandishing molten hot marshmallows and cruel intents, no doubt.

 3.Take rubber gloves.

Learnt best way to kill wasps was to squish them with rubber gloves on (yes, I did take them)

Self explanatory really. Began, at this point in the email to be slightly concerned that ‘bare essentials’ and a low pack weight for my mum would entail rubber gloves and duct tape. And Bacardi.

 

Aware, that as well as loving her dearly, I would use her for blog matter, I hoped for luck in the next paragraph…

 

Def need a tent next time that comes with colour coded supports – as had to put up in dark/gail force wind etc.

4. Buy a tent with colour coded supports

 Finally. Advice that avoids killing implements and doesn’t look like it’s been passed to me via Myra Hindley and a spiritual guide. Hurray.

The ‘etc’ hinted to me that this gem of knowledge has been passed on by The Boyfriend, who had been the one putting up the tent in these ‘gale force winds’ , no doubt as my mum made sympathetic noises from behind a thermos and a copy of She magazine.

Alas, good advice it is, color coded supports then are the way to go. And from my own experience, (festivals) any kind of distinguishing features are a good thing.

In a sea of khaki, tired, you have a choice of setting up squatter’s rights in someone’s tent until they turf you out, sleeping on the ground, or Travelodge.

Guess which one I chose..

  5. Listen to Christmas Hints. Even In October.

The email rattled on for a bit, and I skimmed, catching words like ‘peg’ ‘knickers’ and ‘wee’ that I don’t want to read again. These were interspersed with lots of Christmas gift hints, which were about as subtle as being smashed in the face with portable camping gas-

We saw a wonderful camp fire on legs thing – chimneria??? (Read: I WANT ONE)

I will tell you about the young things who camped next to us….. lots of Orla Keirly tents (Read: I WANT ONE).

7. Sometimes being nosy is a good thing

My mum, unwittingly, did come up with a sentence that sums upthe nature of camping and humanity as a whole. Lucky, that.

Liked communal washing up areas, very sociable and interesting looking at other peoples camping crockery (or is that just me?? yes, suppose it is)

 

The idea of a communal washing up area as a novelty, seemed laughable in a deeper sense, in that at the heart of it, we are all sociable beasts, created be it by a higher force or something Richard Dawkins would approve of, like evolution,  into a wonderful race, full of potential and atoms that link us, as they say- not only to Julius Cesar- but to each other.

And as humans, as a society in general, camping was once, for all of us ‘life’, before we set up home, rid ourselves of nomadic tendencies and settled in communities. We  should use camping as a way of getting back into nature, exploring old rituals,  meeting new people, stepping out of our territorial ways and shedding our desire to ‘Keep up with Jones’s.’ At the core of all of us, camping is where we came from, and where we should return for a degree of inner peace.

And then this:

Electric hook up meant I could take my GHDs thank god.

Which  indicates that we evolved for good reason, and if your hair’s not good, you can scrap harmony and world peace, and get busy finding a plug socket.

Happy camping.

Kanye West GPS Voiceovers? (Please) make an app for that…

Elaine and GPS systems. That has a nice ring to it. We go together like Ben and Jerry, peanut butter and jam, David and Victoria, Kanye West and ill advised speeches.  Pretty well.. A marriage of necessity and convenience, that turned to love is the tale of me and my Sat Nav system.

I do love it so. But, as any woman will advise, there’s no harm in looking. Just don’t touch. Mind, being told to test things hints I may well be touching. Whoops. I was just following orders…

I decided to review a GPS system in the most out of the town area I was likely to be on a weekday night. I had a house viewing in the depths of the countryside which dragged me from the comfort of the only locations I know- Go Outdoors, My existing house, Starbucks, the Gym, Tesco and the pub, so the GPS was already up against it.

I was handed my Garmin GPS 60 and told to ‘get lost’.

I love work, me.

 

I do have a sat nav, a well known brand. I’ll call it an Elaine Elaine.I got it pre work, as a present. Honest officer.

… So whilst unhappy to cheat on my touchscreen, verbally abusing machine with the voice of ‘Ken’ – I was happy to do a comparing at least.

 

On first appearances it looked more like a walky talky than a GPS, and the button’s looked like something my 6 years old sibling would be okay with navigating – which was good news for me.

I stopped off in a wooded area to try and catch it out – but alas, it was still alive and kicking with no drop off of signal. I decided to pop on my walking boots – yup- still got ‘em- and headed into the wooded areas- armed with a map, mobile phone and 2 diet red bulls. Obviously.

It tracked me closely as I went with a quite basic lined style. I felt a bit like a a drone in a  computer game as it pointed out basic location points to me. If I was to describe the style it would be quite ‘linear’ – but perhaps that’s because, unlike my ElaineElaine, it wasn’t pointing out a non stop stream of speed cameras (usually, 18 miles away) cash machines, turnings and zoos.

The basic map- or ‘base map’ for GPS whizz kids, is of a good standard, but you can also get busy uploading other purchase maps and general mapping software for precise routes if so desired.

The display was good, a basic style with nothing to rave about in terms of high quality imagery, Third dimension visuals or artistic Bird’s eye views- but at the price and size as well as weight, I wasn’t too fussed.
Although I wasn’t out long enough to test it – the 28 hours of battery life was enough to last, with 3 hours of having it

AS for the signal, with an hour of general trotting about with my ipod in, I decided to turn back. I noticed it reported a  ‘weak satellite signal’, which was all good, as a warning. However, perhaps this was just my techno-disability, but I had to clear the message by pressing the enter button- which obviously wouldn’t be all that handy if I had something in my hands. Like a, I dunno, wounded animal? Tevs.

Back at base camp- my house, that is- it connected to my PC with ease,  using the sexy Waypoint software that comes with it and within mere seconds, Googleearth Plus popped up so I could see my route and tickle about with the software and my next plan fo ra walk like I was a character in SIMS- The Great Outdoors.

Talking of Sims, The 60 (It has a nickname now),  had inbuilt games and other bits and pieces that really, aren’t for me. Having asked other walkers I have had good feedback on these functions to the bemused ‘games?’ that indicates serious hiker, or not at all, you may well miss the functions anyhow, which left me wondering what Garmin could have added to the system.

Colour wise, its pure bumblebee, great for the outdoors, not for posing with, and the buttons are good for using on the go, but do have reminders for me of those giant calculators used by the partially sighted.

However, as I feel the cold more than your average reptile minus a heat lamp, I can see this would be more than handy than those narky touch screens when you have gloves on.

A little more advancement with the screen would have been good, from extra ways of reducing glare, to a more advanced location navigator, I have to admit, when hopping from my £150 nav unit to this, it felt like it had a sniff of ‘bean tins and string’ about it. Which was a shame, because generally, with electricals, I find that the cheaper the better.

Widescreen? Naw, my 8 incher works just fine.

DVD? What would I do with these tapes?

Digital radio? Would it make Chris Moyles go away? No? No sale, I’m afraid.

This is a very solid unit, it feels like it was made for use and abuse, and the easy to use menus make this child’s play. For an outdoors GPS system, you could barely find cheaper.

 For walking as well, it’s a charm, giving you a readout of not only the distance traveled but your height, so you can really monitor your progress out and about, whilst still having a handy style that you can jam in a pocket, car pocket or bag.

A good bargain for any walker, with a few downsides, or slight negatives, which are far outweighed by the positives. Although I’m an ElaineElaine sat nav fanatic through and through, in the same way that I prefer my car to my feet and my DKNY watch to a chunky navigation system, in some ways this little pretty is wasted on me.